My FAVORITE Jokes

[The Crusader]

Baptist/Catholic





John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.

They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The
neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were
born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

<:)))><

[The Crusader]

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your weight and fortune.

So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life."

She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life."

Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind.

Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your plane to Chicago."

<:)))><

[The Crusader]

A Nun's Kiss

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as Iam and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too! "OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley"

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

<:)))><

[The Crusader]

A Christian Puppy

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.

"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"

"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.

He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!"

[The Crusader]

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in the religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

<:)))><

[The Crusader]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses."

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

[The Crusader]

A baptist pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television.

"It steals away precious time that could be better spent on other things," he said.

He advised the congregation to do what he and his family had done.

"We put our TV away in the closet."

"That's right," his wife mumbled, "and it gets awfully crowded in there."

[The Crusader]

This PENTECOSTAL rich person was very faithful about going to church.

His time came about, and he passed on to heaven. Met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter, he was made to wait. The inquiring mind wanted to know, "Why must I wait, I was faithful about going to church. I was an important person on earth."

St. Peter said, "We are readying your residence."

Off in the distance as far as the eye could see was fabulous mansion after fabulous mansion. St. Peter finally led the person in and started walking past all the beautiful homes, each one more beautiful that the last. Turning a corner, St. Peter said, "This one is yours."

The newcomer asked, "But this is a dilapidated shack. Why do I get this?"

St. Peter replied, "Although you did get rich, this was the best we could do with the money YOU bequeathed us."

<:)))><

[The Crusader]

Nuns & Baseball


Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (with their habits partially blocking the view ), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."The third guy said,"I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet calm voice said, "Why don't you go to Hell...... there aren't any Nuns living there."

<:)))><

[The Crusader]

The Bible Salesman

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

<:)))><

[The Crusader]

Little Logan and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

<:)))><

[The Crusader]

I Come Quickly

With sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the first time; so by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit. However, he had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose:

"Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next."
Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it:

"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.

He tried it one more time - but in his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It
was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

<:)))><

[The Crusader]

The new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

<:)))><





Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

[The Crusader]

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still
a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our
faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes and then said, "Beats the heckl out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

:snicker:

<:)))><

[The Crusader]

Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!" :snicker:

[The Crusader]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots, but
they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest replied! But I may have a
solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put
them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can
teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . . in
no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well
be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his
two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary
beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes,
the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been
answered!" :snicker:

[The Crusader]

Did you know it's not right for a woman to make coffee?


Yup, it's in the Bible!


It says.............


"HEBREWS!"

:snicker:

[The Crusader]

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

Finally, she leaned over to her mother and hispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" :snicker:

[The Crusader]

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles
a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!" :snicker:

[The Crusader]

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross. A cop was directing traffic. Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!"

The swelling throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection.

Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion. Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people. Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put.

She looked at her watch and tapped her foot as if she was in a hurry to get somewhere, but never budged from the sidewalk. The cop ran the traffic through seven more cycles, each time blowing his whistle and then yelling "Okay, pedestrians!" The blonde never moved.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the eighth time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?" :snicker:

[The Crusader]

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God. He said, "God if You are real, then I want You to knock me off this platform.

I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting" He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 240 pound football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.

The football player walked in the class room and in the last
minute, he walked up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform. The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, ...

"Where did you come from , And why did you do that?" The football player replied, " God was busy; He sent me!"


A smile goes a long way towards happiness ;)

[The Crusader]

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

<:)))><

[The Crusader]

WARNING: Exposure to the Son will prevent burning. :snicker:

[The Crusader]

Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible. ;)

[The Crusader]

Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler. ;)

[The Crusader]

Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark. ;)

[The Crusader]

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." :snicker:

[The Crusader]

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." :snicker:

[The Crusader]

Managing to pull himself onto the bus early one morning, the drunk stumbled over passengers, knocked over bags and briefcases, and finally fell into a seat beside a prim old woman. He slumped over her, and she pushed him back. “Mister,” she said indignantly. “I hate to say it, but you are going straight to hell!”

Startled, the drunk leapt to his feet. “ I’m on the wrong bus!” :snicker:

[The Crusader]

Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about
their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?

The first: "I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled
the woodwork."

The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!"

The third (who was looking pretty smug): "I caught them, and
baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since." :snicker:

[The Crusader]

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to
come out of the bottle. During her struggle the
phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter
to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy,"
the child said to her mother..........Then she added,
"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you
right now. She's hitting the bottle." :snicker:

[The Crusader]

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it. What he
saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in
between the pages. "Mama, look what I found",
the boy called out.

" What have you got there, dear?"

With astonishment in the young boy's voice,
he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" :snicker:

[The Crusader]

God is Like...

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:

BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.

a FORD
He's got a better idea.

COKE
He's the real thing.

HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

SEARS
He has everything.

ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you'll like Him.

SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see him, but you know He's there.

DELTA
He's ready when you are.

ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him?
Don't you wish everybody did?

the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

[The Crusader]

A young lady came home from a date and her mother could see she had been crying. "What's wrong dear?" asked the mother.

"Oh Mom!" said the girl "My boyfriend asked me to marry him tonight!"

"What's the matter dear, don't you love him?" asked the mother.

"I do love him" said the girl... "But tonight he told me that he's an atheist! He doesn't even believe there is a hell mom!!!"

The mother just smiled and said "You marry him anyway ... between the two of us we'll show him just how wrong he is!" :snicker:

[The Crusader]

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear: "Don't pay for me Daddy, I'm under five." :snicker:

[The Crusader]

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen." :snicker:

[The Crusader]

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has just been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington. When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night, the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a convenience store, a gas station, or a motel in Florida. :snicker:

[The Crusader]

The new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked." :snicker:

[The Crusader]

Great Religious Truths:

Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion.
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.



<:)))><

[me again]

"I do not know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV (http://globalsecurity.org/military/ops/world_war_4-name.htm) will be fought with sticks and stones." Albert Einstein


"God told me to strike at al Qaeda and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East." President George Bush 25 June 2003 Haaretz

[me again]

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Rule 255 » A wife is a luxury... a smart accountant, a necessity.

Rule 256 » Accountants do not play the game; they only keep the score.:snicker:

[The Crusader]

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Rule 255 » A wife is a luxury... a smart accountant, a necessity.

Rule 256 » Accountants do not play the game; they only keep the score.:snicker:

:snicker: Good one me again :snicker:

[The Crusader]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off. :snicker:

[The Crusader]

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?" :snicker:

[The Crusader]

An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created. Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him Running faster yet, he looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest. He tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.

As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. The atheist cried..."GOD DAMN!..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from the sky.

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A CHRISTIAN?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "Why don't you try and make the bear a Christian?"
"VERY WELL," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed. ... and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive." :snicker:

[The Crusader]

#10 You’re running out of clean clothes and the choir robes save on laundry.
#9 You’ve just been selected for jury duty and want to get used to sitting with a group of people.
#8 Your church is so full you want to ensure that you always have a seat.
#7 The collection plate is never passed to the choir.
#6 There’s a clock at the back of the sanctuary and you want to be the first to know when it’s 12:00.
#5 The preacher is new and you want to be close by in case he says something heretical.
#4 For years you’ve wanted to know who sits in the back pews but were always afraid to turn around.
#3 You’ve been known to nod off during the service and don’t want the pastor to catch you.
#2 The chairs in the choir are the most comfortable in the sanctuary.
#1 Your favorite movie is Sister Act! :snicker:

[The Crusader]

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? :snicker:

[The Crusader]

Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world!

It is unlikely there will ever be a reduction in the wages of sin.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here.

Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons - come hear one.

People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.

Where will you be sitting in eternity - smoking or non-smoking?

:snicker:

[The Crusader]

LAST REQUEST


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and
she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that gun...

:snicker:

[The Crusader]

Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful, sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf.

He pretends he's sick and convinces the associate pastor to say mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 50 miles away so he won't run into anyone from his parish.

On the first tee he sees he has the entire course to himself: Everyone else is in church!

Watching from heaven, Saint Peter turns to the Lord and asks, "are you going to let him get away with this?"

Just then Father Norton hits the ball. It heads straight for the pin, drops just short of it, rolls up, and falls into the hole - a 420 yard hole in one!

Astonished, Saint Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiles and replies, "Who's he going to tell?" :snicker:

[The Crusader]

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
"I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but Mother says I'm not." :snicker:

[The Crusader]

-The staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor.

- They have ATM machines in the lobby.

- No cover charge, but communion is a two drink minimum.

- Services are B.Y.O.S. (Bring Your Own Snakes)

- They have karaoke worship time.

- The guy that takes the minutes in business meeting votes against everything because he can't spell unanimous.

- The only song the church organist knows is Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida.

- The church bus has gun racks.

- The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss" version.

- The choir wears leather robes.

- When you go in ushers ask you, "Do you want smoking or non-smoking?"

:snicker:

[The Crusader]

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died & went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!" :snicker:

[The Crusader]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00! :snicker:

[The Crusader]

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a
$20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.

He proceeded to crumple the $20 dollar bill up. He then asked," Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled,and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE.

You are special - Don't EVER forget it. Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try something new.

And remember: amateurs built the ark...professionals built the
Titanic. :snicker:

[The Crusader]

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. :snicker:

[me again]

Do you want that super-sized? :snicker: The punch line on this is too good not to pass this one on....be sure to read it all!

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds. So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's, and Krispy Kreme.
And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"
And Man said: "Yes!"
And Woman said: "I'll have one, too. with sprinkles."
And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."

And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

And God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal
fats adding copious quantities of salt.
And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy Lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"
And Satan said: " It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And Satan chuckled and created HMOs.

[me again]

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

[me again]

"IT TAKES A SMART MAN TO REALIZE HE'S DUMB"
Fred Flinstone

[The Crusader]

Enjoyed all three me again :snicker:

"Clinton's Pearly Gates Clock"

Hillary had an accident and an early demise. Arriving at the Pearly Gates, she stomped up to the head of the line at St. Peter's desk. St. Peter politely informed her that down on Earth she may have had privileges, but up here she would have to wait her turn in line. While waiting, she noticed one wall covered with hundreds of thousands of clocks and she noticed that occasionally one would jump ahead by 15 minutes. She asked the person sitting next to her what this was all about. "Well, as I understand it, each of these clocks represents some man down on Earth. Each time he commits adultery, his time is advanced by 15 minutes." "Can you tell me which is my husband's clock?" Hillary asked St. Peter. "Oh, yes," St. Peter replied. "God has it in his office. He uses it as a fan." :snicker:

[The Crusader]

"Lawyer Joke / Pearly Gates Joke"

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and decided to make the question a little harder, "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "About 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them." :snicker:

[The Crusader]

"Too Many Confessions Of Adult**"

An old priest was getting sick and tired of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday in the pulpit he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Everyone liked him, so the parishioners came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week later, the new priest visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. The priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week." :snicker:

[The Crusader]

"Shirley's Makeover"

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!" :snicker:

[The Crusader]

The preacher's Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, "how many of you have forgiven their enemies"? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" inquired the preacher, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?

"I don't have any." she replied. smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-three," she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said "I outlived the old hags." :snicker:

[The Crusader]

"The Sin Of Lying"

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
:snicker:

[me again]

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. :snicker:

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

[The Crusader]

Which Way to Heaven?

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."

The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."


:snicker:

[The Crusader]

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and chitchatting with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore -- you're a United States Senator from New York, act like it.

:snicker:

[The Crusader]

Taking it with Us

A guy is coming to the end of his life and, knowing he doesn't have much time left, starts bargaining with God. "Please, I can't leave all this wealth behind! Please, let me take it with me!" God finally gets fed up and says he can take one duffle bag ONLY.

Time comes, guy kicks the bucket and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "You can't bring that in here!" says Peter, shocked. "Yes, I can!" the guy insists. "The Boss told me so!" Shaking his head, Peter goes to check. Sure enough. When he comes back to let the guy in with his bag, he says, "Just out of curiosity, what's in the bag that's so important God had to let you bring it in?" The guy eagerly opens the bag to show St. Peter, and it's chock full of gold. Bars & bars of the stuff. St. Peter looks at him incredulously. "PAVEMENT?! You brought PAVEMENT?!" :snicker:

[me again]

Just imagine if the 23rd Psalm was rewritten by a secular humanist:Psychiatrist's 23d Psalm

The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need-dispositions.

He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance.

He positions me in a non-decisional situation.

He maximizes my adjustment.

Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant.

His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.

He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions.

He promotes my group identification.

My personality is totally integrated.

Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever. :bounce: :snicker:

[The Crusader]

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. :snicker:

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.


Good One *** :snicker:

[The Crusader]

Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.

It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day.

"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years.

Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you."

And shortly after that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later. Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, "Moe.... Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Moe, it's me, Sam," says the voice. "Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."

"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam, "is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there. Better yet, we're all young men again. Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball
all we want, and we never get tired!"

"Really?" says Moe. "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday" :snicker:

[The Crusader]

Waking Up for Church:

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her
son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he
replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One,
they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good
reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) you're 59 years old, and (2)
you're the pastor!"
**************************

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the
town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual
banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the
rabbi. "You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but
I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You
don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've
tried Mrs.Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you
going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin,
and said, "At your wedding."

***********************

The USHER:

An elderly woman walked into the local country
church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the
flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher
said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman
inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied
indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

**************************

Show and Tell:

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show
and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object
to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class
and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of
David."

The second student got up in front of the class
and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class
and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

**************************

The Best Way To Pray:

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing
the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked
nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results
standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most
effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I
was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

**************************

The Twenty and the One:

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly
distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be
retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck
up a conversation.

The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its
travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty
proclaimed. Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest
restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to
the Caribbean."

"Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really
had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you
been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to
the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."

The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a
church?"

**************************

Goat for Dinner:

The young couple invited their elderly pastor
for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal,
the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little
boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth,
"Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to
Mom, 'today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

**************************

:luxhello: :crackup:

[tmartin]

Counseled a young Paster the other day: You must have a good beginning and a good ending. And keep them as close together as possible.

[The Crusader]

I have found biblical truth that men will get to heaven before women. 30 minutes before, to be exact. This is inarguable biblical proof:

Revelation 8:1 “When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour.“:orange:

[The Crusader]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

[The Crusader]

A woman called her pastor. "We just won $100 million in the lottery!" she exclaimed. "But I'm afraid to tell my husband. He has a weak heart and I'm afraid he may have a heart attack. Pastor, would you be able to tell him for me?" she asked.

The clergyman thought that perhaps he could, so he came right over and sat down with the man. "What would you do," he began, "if you were to win $500,000 in the lottery?"

"My wife could quit her job and I could work less and relax more," the man said.

"What would you do if you were to win one million dollars in the lottery?" the pastor asked.

"If I were to win that much we could both retire," the man said. "Life would be good."

The pastor forged on. "Well, what would you do if you were to win five million dollars?"

"We could do anything we wanted!" he exclaimed. "We could travel, live anywhere in the world and enjoy a life we never dreamed we could live!"

Finally the clergyman got to it. "Tell me...what would you do if you won ten million dollars in the lottery?"

"Ten million dollars? Why, if I ever won that much, Pastor, I'd give half of it to you and the church!"

The pastor had a heart attack :laughhard

[The Crusader]

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for Christmas.



She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"



The clerk says, "What denomination?"



The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? :laughhard



Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

[The Crusader]

GOD'S EMAIL


One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior
that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to
Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are
misbehaving and only 5% are not. God thought for a moment and said, maybe I better
send down a second angel to get another opinion.
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.


When the angel returned he went to God and said, Yes, it's true. The Earth
is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.


God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because
He wanted to encourage them and to give them a little something to help
them keep going.


Do you know what the e-mail said ?



Well, just wondering - I didn't get one either:what:

[The Crusader]

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2005 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see
the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for
a toilet seat.

I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value
$1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund" as noted on my
return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head
screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for
1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward
to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A Satisfied Taxpayer :orange:

[The Crusader]

We are no longer Hillbillies

NOTE:

Due to the climate of political correctness
now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans, Virginians
and West Virginians
will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to us as "APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS":laughhard
Thank you

[The Crusader]

A Little Old Lady




*There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped onto her front
porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated
at the little old lady.

Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell: "THERE
IS NO LORD!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto
her front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags
of\ groceries sitting there.

"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"

The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted: "THERE IS NO
LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: "PRAISE THE
LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!

SMILE!!!!!!!!!!!!! PASS IT ON.*

[The Crusader]

As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
"Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, Marine. These are authentic
Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Hillary Clinton."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,
"Nice trade, sir:amen2:

[The Crusader]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the
gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place
is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance
examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St Peter, sir. But nobody
ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't
too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only
three questions.

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day
and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you
have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week
begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is
not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did
not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next
one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with
this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had
in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let
us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to
my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come
up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt
it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folk.:lol:

[The Crusader]

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?:lol: